Rainless Storm

I am here, alone on the rocky top. I am the one who watches the storm above the clouds which guard civilization below, who remain oblivious under the shadows cast by the maelstrom. It is with me that the celestial bodies look for comfort through their eyeless senses as they endure the eternal howling winds and shouting thunder. Without them, I would truly be alone. It is their rocky centers and burning cores which inspire me to harden my heart against the love who which I will never see nor hear from again. The love who is distanced by time, space, and universes apart will be severed by the darkness and defeat of surrender. Sweet surrender, who has graced me with the long needed rest I have craved after all these centuries. The price is sorrow, and like the celestial bodies thrown through the red clouds, will be wrapped and guarded by our very own powerful winds and twisting shields. This is our shroud of secrecy, and now we lay to rest and let the wind carry us to where nothing matters. Where nothing matters is anywhere we go.


-end



Surrendering, giving up, cutting ties... these are paradoxes, and I'll tell you why. All throughout my life I have been told, encouraged, and forced not to give up, no matter what. No matter what it was, I had to see it to the end.

In a way, giving up is letting someone down. We let down a friend, we let down a lover, a parent, and naturally we are told that the one we let down the most is ourselves.

But how long is too long to hold onto something, or someone? What if you give all you can, but receive nothing in return? When are you straining yourself?

Surrendering is... surrendering. A responsibility has been dropped. If I ignore those who guilt trip me, I will always notice a brief feeling of relief. Relief is accompanied by sorrow, by fear, by hatred of one's own self. But relief is always accompanied by rest. No matter how harrowing, how unhealthy, how healthy, surrender offers a momentary rest. At times it's forever, at times it's only brief before the real hell begins.

When I surrender, I drop a responsibility entirely. Obligations are dropped, but not all of them at times. At times, only a few get dropped.


I no longer seek to see myself as a failure when I give something up, even if that person was at one time a good friend, or if a project was something honorable. Sorrow and fear can be healed. Failures have to be forgiven, either by yourself, or by another.

Who are you failing? Do you need to feel like a failure?

I surrender feeling like a failure. But I don't surrender surrendering.



Gemeinhardt is copyright to Colleen "Janey" Chitty